Telling the Secrets

Well, I did it. I told my dad about the sexual abuse from when I was a kid. He didn’t react like my mom, who was absolutely furious (not at me but just that it happened). He was very calm, and the first thing he said, which I personally found to be the most pragmatic response. ” Well, that fucking sucks.” 

Some people might find that to be taking it lightly. But my dad has never been overly touchy-feely. This is the heaviest situation brought forward between my dad and I since my parents separated nearly 20 years ago. He did hug me and say he was sorry it happened. He asked the questions he felt he need answers to. My step-mom new about it first of all my parent. She said she would keep an eye on him, as she figured he would be pondering the situation for a while. I think she is correct there, as I could see in his eyes everytime he looked at me that he was thinking things through. Like he had a new understanding.

I hope this helps us be a bit closer, as we have never been all that close. Not to say we didn’t get along, we get along just fine. But we never had that “daddy’s girl” type relationship. It was more like he treated me as an adult. And we had that kind of friendship you have as an adult if that makes any sense.

Life Without Work

Well, here it is. My first day not working.

I would like to say I chose to leave my company. That I found a better job and will get paid a livable wage. I didn’t though. My work went through a bunch of layoffs. Well over 100 people here in Canada. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t bummed to be one of the people caught in that.I liked the team I was on. I liked my project. But here we are.

The last two weeks were very frustrating. Finding out who was being kept and who wasn’t. And then the pity ” Hey, how are you doing?” or ” Have you found anything yet?!” It was what I looked forward to the most out of today. Not having those questions asked every damn time I saw someone. I get that they care, but it is like rubbing salt in the wound. If I found work, I would have said so. And most interviews had been for out of town companies. Which I couldn’t take, as I can’t do two rents. I cracked my phone screen last night as well. I needed this phone to last me until November. I hope I can keep it going till then with no issues.

Not everything is doom and gloom though. I did finally get an interview for something local. I should find out soon what the deal is with it. They just want to check my references. I am going to start my vacation at the end of the week. Which will be nice, go see family and have a nice drive along the way with S.

Work, life and everything.

I really wanted to write a blog post, but about what?

I have started going to the gym with a friend on top of dance. I can see/ feel the improvement in my body. Which is nice. However, my period only lasted two days after being 4 days late. That has never happened before. Normally it lasts the entire 7 days. Part of me can’t help but wonder if maybe I am pregnant and my body is showing it in this weird way. I have also had less than solid poops. (Yes I am sorry I am over sharing, but this is my blog damn it!)

I kind of feel like at work, I am seeing the difference being a man make for you. I was given a shot that is “far beyond my level” of experience. Aside from some random node corruption, I feel I am handling it all well. But I found out some of the leads and the supervisor are looking at handing it off to a person more senior than myself. I thought that was a bummer and was going to accept it. That is until I saw that the guys on the same level as me were getting nice difficult shots. Now, I won’t say I am better than them. Because that’s silly and childish. I will, though, point out that I don’t just do my shot and that’s that. I do my shot and also make sure that people that are still fresh to the industry are doing ok. Heck, if I have been playing with a node and hear someone is struggling with a shot and I think that what I have been playing with will help them I will let them know about it and even show them how to use everything. This is something I can say, a lot of these guys don’t do. Mostly they just sit around with each other and blab about comic books and movies. I find it frustrating that I show more interest in the actual job and invest in the people around me, only to get looked over. Again. This has happened here before. I at least have one lead that really pushes for me to succeed. And has been trying to make sure I keep this harder shot. As she sees it is a good one to prove myself with. And to stay on the work note: the talk I had with my boss. It went nowhere, he can’t for the life of him stop trying to supervise shows.  It seems I will never have a performance review.

On a completely different front.

This summer I will be telling my dad about the sexual abuse from my childhood. I am nervous about it. Obviously. I haven’t shared a lot of my actual life with my dad. Not because I don’t love him. But because we have never had that relationship. For whatever reason, when I was little I was kind of scared of my dad. While I am not afraid of him now, the damage was done of not communicating.  I have no idea how he will take it, if its anything like my mom, I need to be ready for an extreme reaction and then the calm down.

Memories

Sometimes I get intrusive memories. They just sneak their way into my mind and drop me like a wrestler. Yes, it’s a weird analogy, but there are times I fight with my brain over this, so it stands.

If you have ever been through a past trauma, you might get this too. You are just sitting on a bus, and suddenly a moment from your past sneaks in, something your abuser did. It happens for, what you can gather, no reason. Hell, I have had them come up when I am going to the bathroom. There are even times where I can smell the memory. I can practically smell his skin and it makes me feel horrible.

At times, these memories are harmless, other than an unpleasant feeling. But it can come up when it’s a very bad time. Like trying to be intimate with your partner. This has caused some grief in the past for me. Making it hard to enjoy intimacy. Sex used to be difficult. I didn’t realize what the issue was, why I always felt like I was pushing my partner away. I had tried to push the problems and memories right down as far as they could go. But regardless they were these horrible ninjas that kept finding their way back. Causing the confusing feeling of discomfort and the need to be alone.

There is the odd time where I struggle. But for the most part, I have been able to keep everything separated. These flashes in my head are not who I am with, this is not the moment I am in. I am able to now recognize what is happening as a memory.

The Beginning

Well, here I am.

I haven’t really blogged so bare with me while I get used to writing.  I generally live my life through visual mediums and writing isn’t my strong point. First I will explain why I am doing this, I am an anxious person, and I am constantly in my own head. So it is a good idea for me to get the thoughts out, to talk about the things that have happened in my past and the things that are currently happening.

Now when I say I am an anxious person, I don’t mean ” I had to talk in front of the class and had butterflies”, I am talking full on: skin is burning, my brain goes to another planet and my heart is going so fast I could power a small town. I lose all sense of who I am and what the world is. This sounds over dramatic, I know. But there it is. This all stems from a life altering event that lasted far longer than it had any business lasting. This is something I will get into over time as it is a heavy subject that I haven’t talked about a lot to other people. In fact, I only started talking about my anxiety this year. The year it became something that interrupted my life. It has caused me to miss work, lose many hours of sleep, leave theaters and not see people. This was never really a problem before, but it all adds up and becomes a bomb. Before it was just a nagging feeling that I could easily ignore. Tell myself it wasn’t there and keep going about my day. Sure there were times where I would go off into my head and find another world to be in, but it had never been a big issue I thought needed to be looked into. The anxiety was a slow boil earlier this year, it started with my chest feeling tight. A discomfort I assumed was caused by my bra being too tight, it felt harder to breathe. Then one day, on the train to work, it started. My heart began to race, I felt dizzy, it became hard to breathe, everything felt too…big for lack of a better word. I began to worry that I was having a heart attack. My friend was kind enough to bring me to the doctor that day (both of us missing a good chunk of work) where I was informed I had anxiety. I figured I wouldn’t need to worry after that. That it was a one time deal. I was so, so very wrong. After about a month of non-stop panic attacks, I finally went to a doctor to get some medication, and months after that a counselor.

All of this has brought me here. To share my journey and hopefully help someone feel less alone and that yes, it can get better over time.