Telling the Secrets

Well, I did it. I told my dad about the sexual abuse from when I was a kid. He didn’t react like my mom, who was absolutely furious (not at me but just that it happened). He was very calm, and the first thing he said, which I personally found to be the most pragmatic response. ” Well, that fucking sucks.” 

Some people might find that to be taking it lightly. But my dad has never been overly touchy-feely. This is the heaviest situation brought forward between my dad and I since my parents separated nearly 20 years ago. He did hug me and say he was sorry it happened. He asked the questions he felt he need answers to. My step-mom new about it first of all my parent. She said she would keep an eye on him, as she figured he would be pondering the situation for a while. I think she is correct there, as I could see in his eyes everytime he looked at me that he was thinking things through. Like he had a new understanding.

I hope this helps us be a bit closer, as we have never been all that close. Not to say we didn’t get along, we get along just fine. But we never had that “daddy’s girl” type relationship. It was more like he treated me as an adult. And we had that kind of friendship you have as an adult if that makes any sense.

Memories

Sometimes I get intrusive memories. They just sneak their way into my mind and drop me like a wrestler. Yes, it’s a weird analogy, but there are times I fight with my brain over this, so it stands.

If you have ever been through a past trauma, you might get this too. You are just sitting on a bus, and suddenly a moment from your past sneaks in, something your abuser did. It happens for, what you can gather, no reason. Hell, I have had them come up when I am going to the bathroom. There are even times where I can smell the memory. I can practically smell his skin and it makes me feel horrible.

At times, these memories are harmless, other than an unpleasant feeling. But it can come up when it’s a very bad time. Like trying to be intimate with your partner. This has caused some grief in the past for me. Making it hard to enjoy intimacy. Sex used to be difficult. I didn’t realize what the issue was, why I always felt like I was pushing my partner away. I had tried to push the problems and memories right down as far as they could go. But regardless they were these horrible ninjas that kept finding their way back. Causing the confusing feeling of discomfort and the need to be alone.

There is the odd time where I struggle. But for the most part, I have been able to keep everything separated. These flashes in my head are not who I am with, this is not the moment I am in. I am able to now recognize what is happening as a memory.