Memories

Sometimes I get intrusive memories. They just sneak their way into my mind and drop me like a wrestler. Yes, it’s a weird analogy, but there are times I fight with my brain over this, so it stands.

If you have ever been through a past trauma, you might get this too. You are just sitting on a bus, and suddenly a moment from your past sneaks in, something your abuser did. It happens for, what you can gather, no reason. Hell, I have had them come up when I am going to the bathroom. There are even times where I can smell the memory. I can practically smell his skin and it makes me feel horrible.

At times, these memories are harmless, other than an unpleasant feeling. But it can come up when it’s a very bad time. Like trying to be intimate with your partner. This has caused some grief in the past for me. Making it hard to enjoy intimacy. Sex used to be difficult. I didn’t realize what the issue was, why I always felt like I was pushing my partner away. I had tried to push the problems and memories right down as far as they could go. But regardless they were these horrible ninjas that kept finding their way back. Causing the confusing feeling of discomfort and the need to be alone.

There is the odd time where I struggle. But for the most part, I have been able to keep everything separated. These flashes in my head are not who I am with, this is not the moment I am in. I am able to now recognize what is happening as a memory.

The future

I often look to the future, it is a cause of constant fear and excitement.

Recently my husband and I have decided to start trying for a child. While this is an exciting thing for us, it also brings a new set of fears. Like what will my anxiety do to my potential child, will carrying a child cause my anxiety to spike, the fear of actually giving birth, and then the question of will I have postpartum depression. I also have fears about what this will mean for my career. It’s very male dominated and that may hurt my chances in the future.

These seem like silly things to worry about since we just decided this over Christmas. But they have plagued my brain for years.  In the end, I made a choice to not let my career hold me back. It will always be there. Yes having a baby and no family nearby to help watch the baby will cause some issues. But why let that hold me back, I am sure when we get into things we will be able to find a solution. We always have. The other issues involved with my anxiety will be dealt with one step at a time. I have my coping mechanisms now to help me out. And I am sure between doctors and my counselor I will be able to work through these issues.

I can’t hold myself back with what ifs. I won’t hold myself back for what ifs. Not any more.

The Beginning

Well, here I am.

I haven’t really blogged so bare with me while I get used to writing.  I generally live my life through visual mediums and writing isn’t my strong point. First I will explain why I am doing this, I am an anxious person, and I am constantly in my own head. So it is a good idea for me to get the thoughts out, to talk about the things that have happened in my past and the things that are currently happening.

Now when I say I am an anxious person, I don’t mean ” I had to talk in front of the class and had butterflies”, I am talking full on: skin is burning, my brain goes to another planet and my heart is going so fast I could power a small town. I lose all sense of who I am and what the world is. This sounds over dramatic, I know. But there it is. This all stems from a life altering event that lasted far longer than it had any business lasting. This is something I will get into over time as it is a heavy subject that I haven’t talked about a lot to other people. In fact, I only started talking about my anxiety this year. The year it became something that interrupted my life. It has caused me to miss work, lose many hours of sleep, leave theaters and not see people. This was never really a problem before, but it all adds up and becomes a bomb. Before it was just a nagging feeling that I could easily ignore. Tell myself it wasn’t there and keep going about my day. Sure there were times where I would go off into my head and find another world to be in, but it had never been a big issue I thought needed to be looked into. The anxiety was a slow boil earlier this year, it started with my chest feeling tight. A discomfort I assumed was caused by my bra being too tight, it felt harder to breathe. Then one day, on the train to work, it started. My heart began to race, I felt dizzy, it became hard to breathe, everything felt too…big for lack of a better word. I began to worry that I was having a heart attack. My friend was kind enough to bring me to the doctor that day (both of us missing a good chunk of work) where I was informed I had anxiety. I figured I wouldn’t need to worry after that. That it was a one time deal. I was so, so very wrong. After about a month of non-stop panic attacks, I finally went to a doctor to get some medication, and months after that a counselor.

All of this has brought me here. To share my journey and hopefully help someone feel less alone and that yes, it can get better over time.