Work Life

I don’t know about you, but I find it hard to keep positive in the workplace all the time. It’s got an air of negativity stinking up the place, it’s dark and the house can be grueling. Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do. But when there are 70 people in your department complaining about wages, hours and whatever else, it wears on you. The bubble of good vibes starts to thin throughout the day. Every little thing sets off the group thinking that there is a reason behind it that is there to kick us down, even if its simple. It’s easy to get sucked into the talk. But this year I am aiming to make it a goal of not feeding into it.

But this year I am aiming to make it a goal of not feeding into it. I want to try and feel positive during the day, rather than the feeling that my insides are ready to rip themselves out with frustration. Now if only I could keep myself busy all day….

 

Memories

Sometimes I get intrusive memories. They just sneak their way into my mind and drop me like a wrestler. Yes, it’s a weird analogy, but there are times I fight with my brain over this, so it stands.

If you have ever been through a past trauma, you might get this too. You are just sitting on a bus, and suddenly a moment from your past sneaks in, something your abuser did. It happens for, what you can gather, no reason. Hell, I have had them come up when I am going to the bathroom. There are even times where I can smell the memory. I can practically smell his skin and it makes me feel horrible.

At times, these memories are harmless, other than an unpleasant feeling. But it can come up when it’s a very bad time. Like trying to be intimate with your partner. This has caused some grief in the past for me. Making it hard to enjoy intimacy. Sex used to be difficult. I didn’t realize what the issue was, why I always felt like I was pushing my partner away. I had tried to push the problems and memories right down as far as they could go. But regardless they were these horrible ninjas that kept finding their way back. Causing the confusing feeling of discomfort and the need to be alone.

There is the odd time where I struggle. But for the most part, I have been able to keep everything separated. These flashes in my head are not who I am with, this is not the moment I am in. I am able to now recognize what is happening as a memory.

The future

I often look to the future, it is a cause of constant fear and excitement.

Recently my husband and I have decided to start trying for a child. While this is an exciting thing for us, it also brings a new set of fears. Like what will my anxiety do to my potential child, will carrying a child cause my anxiety to spike, the fear of actually giving birth, and then the question of will I have postpartum depression. I also have fears about what this will mean for my career. It’s very male dominated and that may hurt my chances in the future.

These seem like silly things to worry about since we just decided this over Christmas. But they have plagued my brain for years.  In the end, I made a choice to not let my career hold me back. It will always be there. Yes having a baby and no family nearby to help watch the baby will cause some issues. But why let that hold me back, I am sure when we get into things we will be able to find a solution. We always have. The other issues involved with my anxiety will be dealt with one step at a time. I have my coping mechanisms now to help me out. And I am sure between doctors and my counselor I will be able to work through these issues.

I can’t hold myself back with what ifs. I won’t hold myself back for what ifs. Not any more.