Organized Confusion

I haven’t really known what to write about for a while. Life has felt really chaotic and also very dull. S decided to leave his band and put the rent money from their space to savings, he wants to focus harder on getting pregnant. I was a little surprised, but I think his brother sending an oddly touching message pushed it forward for him.

S decided to leave his band and put the rent money from their space to savings, he wants to focus harder on getting pregnant. I was a little surprised, but I think his brother sending an oddly touching message pushed it forward for him.

I started my new job after being laid off. It has been pretty good, its a very different atmosphere and different type of projects. I like it for the most part. There have been a few things that have annoyed me. Like sometimes the bit times seem way too tight for what the shot needs. Or an interaction will be very frustrating, but those are just things that will be pretty normal for working anywhere. I like that there is less overtime, it feels like I could balance my work/family life there for when I have a kid. Which has been weighing on me a lot lately. How will I make it work? If I got to any other studio I will be working tons of hours and wouldn’t be able to be home for my kid. But the place I am at now we get to have more of a flexible schedule, and there are remote workers, so if I needed to I could at least try and do that.

The other thing that has been weighing on my mind with this kid thing is thinking of housing. I would love to buy a place, but we would need to get a better down payment going than what we currently could do. The other option is moving farther out of the city and get a 2 bedroom place. That would probably run us about $2000 a month. That option kind of fucks over all my friends that I live with. I want to stay where I am. But I don’t want T to have to deal with a screaming baby next to his room all the time, or walking out of his room to my boob being flopped out feeding or milking myself. But, SK is probably moving out (which I am sad about because I love having her in the house. She’s awesome to live with. But she gets to go do something she wants really bad so understandably she has to do that.), with her not being there, there would technically be an empty room upstairs. So if T moved to that room and we paid a bit more to have the entire basement, then it would solve a lot of those problems. But would anyone else want to do that. I know D&K have a lot of stuff in that rooms closet and want to put their computers there. So they might not want to do that. I doubt T and C would care that much, they mostly stay in their rooms. But I don’t want to inconvenience everyone else with this issue, especially right now, while we aren’t even pregnant. But I want to get a plan for that stuff going because part of me feels like I have been stopping this from happening because I am stressed out about these things. I don’t even know how I would bring this stuff up with any one.

So many things to think about.

Telling the Secrets

Well, I did it. I told my dad about the sexual abuse from when I was a kid. He didn’t react like my mom, who was absolutely furious (not at me but just that it happened). He was very calm, and the first thing he said, which I personally found to be the most pragmatic response. ” Well, that fucking sucks.” 

Some people might find that to be taking it lightly. But my dad has never been overly touchy-feely. This is the heaviest situation brought forward between my dad and I since my parents separated nearly 20 years ago. He did hug me and say he was sorry it happened. He asked the questions he felt he need answers to. My step-mom new about it first of all my parent. She said she would keep an eye on him, as she figured he would be pondering the situation for a while. I think she is correct there, as I could see in his eyes everytime he looked at me that he was thinking things through. Like he had a new understanding.

I hope this helps us be a bit closer, as we have never been all that close. Not to say we didn’t get along, we get along just fine. But we never had that “daddy’s girl” type relationship. It was more like he treated me as an adult. And we had that kind of friendship you have as an adult if that makes any sense.

Life Without Work

Well, here it is. My first day not working.

I would like to say I chose to leave my company. That I found a better job and will get paid a livable wage. I didn’t though. My work went through a bunch of layoffs. Well over 100 people here in Canada. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t bummed to be one of the people caught in that.I liked the team I was on. I liked my project. But here we are.

The last two weeks were very frustrating. Finding out who was being kept and who wasn’t. And then the pity ” Hey, how are you doing?” or ” Have you found anything yet?!” It was what I looked forward to the most out of today. Not having those questions asked every damn time I saw someone. I get that they care, but it is like rubbing salt in the wound. If I found work, I would have said so. And most interviews had been for out of town companies. Which I couldn’t take, as I can’t do two rents. I cracked my phone screen last night as well. I needed this phone to last me until November. I hope I can keep it going till then with no issues.

Not everything is doom and gloom though. I did finally get an interview for something local. I should find out soon what the deal is with it. They just want to check my references. I am going to start my vacation at the end of the week. Which will be nice, go see family and have a nice drive along the way with S.

Work, life and everything.

I really wanted to write a blog post, but about what?

I have started going to the gym with a friend on top of dance. I can see/ feel the improvement in my body. Which is nice. However, my period only lasted two days after being 4 days late. That has never happened before. Normally it lasts the entire 7 days. Part of me can’t help but wonder if maybe I am pregnant and my body is showing it in this weird way. I have also had less than solid poops. (Yes I am sorry I am over sharing, but this is my blog damn it!)

I kind of feel like at work, I am seeing the difference being a man make for you. I was given a shot that is “far beyond my level” of experience. Aside from some random node corruption, I feel I am handling it all well. But I found out some of the leads and the supervisor are looking at handing it off to a person more senior than myself. I thought that was a bummer and was going to accept it. That is until I saw that the guys on the same level as me were getting nice difficult shots. Now, I won’t say I am better than them. Because that’s silly and childish. I will, though, point out that I don’t just do my shot and that’s that. I do my shot and also make sure that people that are still fresh to the industry are doing ok. Heck, if I have been playing with a node and hear someone is struggling with a shot and I think that what I have been playing with will help them I will let them know about it and even show them how to use everything. This is something I can say, a lot of these guys don’t do. Mostly they just sit around with each other and blab about comic books and movies. I find it frustrating that I show more interest in the actual job and invest in the people around me, only to get looked over. Again. This has happened here before. I at least have one lead that really pushes for me to succeed. And has been trying to make sure I keep this harder shot. As she sees it is a good one to prove myself with. And to stay on the work note: the talk I had with my boss. It went nowhere, he can’t for the life of him stop trying to supervise shows.  It seems I will never have a performance review.

On a completely different front.

This summer I will be telling my dad about the sexual abuse from my childhood. I am nervous about it. Obviously. I haven’t shared a lot of my actual life with my dad. Not because I don’t love him. But because we have never had that relationship. For whatever reason, when I was little I was kind of scared of my dad. While I am not afraid of him now, the damage was done of not communicating.  I have no idea how he will take it, if its anything like my mom, I need to be ready for an extreme reaction and then the calm down.

Not many things to say

I wish I had more to say on here. But honestly, I feel like there hasn’t been enough going on to talk about.

Work has turned into a weird hiatus machine. My show is in a weird spot because of a director change and another show is going on hiatus for some reason or other. I tried to have a meeting with my department head. I might as well have talked to a wall. I was given no information and felt more like being blown off. But who knows, he is not going to be supervising a show after this weekend, so maybe he can give me a real review and maybe then I can move forward in my career. I have been able to talk to more people at work and branch out with friends.

I am in hip hop dance now with some other women from work. It’s been good to get me moving around and breaking me out of my shell. I have always been so nervous about my body and I feel like this is helping me remember my body isn’t something to be scared of.

My skin has been improving. Probably has to do with drinking more water and eating better. Maybe the activity has been a help too.

 

And that’s it. That has been my life for the last while.

General Ramblings

Well, I am sort of out of the fog with work, I know I have a job til at least June. So that’s a small relief. I will still need to keep my eyes out for after the start of June though, which sucks, but there is always a chance I could get another extension. Or maybe work will transfer me. Who knows. This industry has a habit of being very unreliable for things like this.

My skin has been really bad lately. I don’t know what exactly is causing it. If it’s stress or food. Both? I should start to force myself to eat better, I have done it before but I have been really slacking.

Job Life

Well, its come to that time in the VFX life that we all hate, contact ending.

I have a month left before my contract is up and after many, MANY, trips to management to talk contracts. I got an answer, not an unexpected one either. That chances are slim of a resign. There was a catch. The are actually wanting to find a way to keep me (or so they said anyway) as my supervisor is actually pushing for them to keep me. While this is really nice to hear and I would love to finish the project. But I couldn’t help but feel bad because I was told this wouldn’t be offered to everyone else. These people are my friends. But I can’t help but feel pumped by the fact that someone thinks my skills are worth keeping.

I was told next week I would hear my fate. But until then I need to do the job hunting. It seems like no one is looking. So here I am with no proof of skill and no one hiring and me needing to try and find work on the chance that my current job falls through. My chest feels a bit tight with anxiety, but I am also not as worried as I probably should be. I can only do so much. And even if I don’t get any call backs, I can’t say it’s because I didn’t try hard. I applied. I can’t force a company to call me back. I am doing good work where I am. And I can’t force them to keep me. So maybe that’s why I am not mind numbingly upset. Because deep down I know I can’t do more for the situation.

Either way, I hope I hear something soon. Because I would love that annoying feeling in my chest to leave.

Dream

Last night I had a dream about my abuser. This is the first time I have ever had one with him in it.

It wasn’t like I was back in the situations where it was all happening. He tried, but I shut it down, I screamed at him. Did what I wish I had done back when I was a nervous kid. I told my family. It’s something I am still too afraid to do today. It is something only 5 people in the family knows about. In that dream, I told everyone. I didn’t feel fear, I didn’t feel happy. I felt nothing.

I don’t know if that’s good to bad. But it was a moving point I have never run into before.

Work Life

I don’t know about you, but I find it hard to keep positive in the workplace all the time. It’s got an air of negativity stinking up the place, it’s dark and the house can be grueling. Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do. But when there are 70 people in your department complaining about wages, hours and whatever else, it wears on you. The bubble of good vibes starts to thin throughout the day. Every little thing sets off the group thinking that there is a reason behind it that is there to kick us down, even if its simple. It’s easy to get sucked into the talk. But this year I am aiming to make it a goal of not feeding into it.

But this year I am aiming to make it a goal of not feeding into it. I want to try and feel positive during the day, rather than the feeling that my insides are ready to rip themselves out with frustration. Now if only I could keep myself busy all day….

 

Memories

Sometimes I get intrusive memories. They just sneak their way into my mind and drop me like a wrestler. Yes, it’s a weird analogy, but there are times I fight with my brain over this, so it stands.

If you have ever been through a past trauma, you might get this too. You are just sitting on a bus, and suddenly a moment from your past sneaks in, something your abuser did. It happens for, what you can gather, no reason. Hell, I have had them come up when I am going to the bathroom. There are even times where I can smell the memory. I can practically smell his skin and it makes me feel horrible.

At times, these memories are harmless, other than an unpleasant feeling. But it can come up when it’s a very bad time. Like trying to be intimate with your partner. This has caused some grief in the past for me. Making it hard to enjoy intimacy. Sex used to be difficult. I didn’t realize what the issue was, why I always felt like I was pushing my partner away. I had tried to push the problems and memories right down as far as they could go. But regardless they were these horrible ninjas that kept finding their way back. Causing the confusing feeling of discomfort and the need to be alone.

There is the odd time where I struggle. But for the most part, I have been able to keep everything separated. These flashes in my head are not who I am with, this is not the moment I am in. I am able to now recognize what is happening as a memory.